Butcher the Mule!

(a southern girl's perspective)

If there’s anything southerners are, it’s tenacious. Some might say stubborn, but we’ll leave that dispute to those who are so inclined.
     Give a southerner a cause, and she’ll stick with it to the bitter end. The history books record such an event – the siege of Vicksburg. Prized by the Confederacy for its position on the river and desired by the Union for the same cause, Vicksburg was a vital harbor during wartime. The rebel guns guarded the river passage and the Union's only option was to win by starvation. With entrance denied on the river and a blockade by land, supplies could not reach the citizens of Vicksburg.
     And that’s when tenacity began to shine. Refusing to give in, the townsfolk fled the shelled homes and shambled streets and lived in caves, slaughtering horses, rats and mules for meat to survive. And though the city of Vicksburg finally fell (and in God's providence, the union was kept intact) the stories of the indomitable spirit of those folk have been passed down by diary, journal and legend.

     You may not face a situation like theirs - and we will rejoice if you don’t. But you will face many a “siege” in your lifetime. Whether financial, emotional, physical or spiritual, attacks will come against your resolve. They will assault your very form of life. They will threaten to starve your soul.

     When that happens, you’ll know it’s time to "butcher the mule." The old boy may be tough eating, but it will get you through. It won’t taste like filet mignon, but then again, it’s a heap better than the bitter taste of hunger. After all, perseverance is really just good ole southern grit, one of those accessories no lady should be without. And every southern girl knows that when your dignity is intact, even mule meat can be a feast.

Serve them Sweet Iced Tea

Some things are sacred in the south – sweet iced tea is one of them.

 You know how valuable something is by what people will sacrifice for it.  I can only imagine how the King’s tea tax smote the heart of our Revolutionary forbears.  Their devotion to country cost them dearly. For our ancestors to participate in the Boston Tea Party must have been a true test of a southerner’s determination. Imagine the angst of seeing hundreds of pounds of tea floating in the scum of the Boston harbor.  To pour out such a precious beverage to the unappreciative fish would be a true sorrow.  Such describes for us their desire for liberty.

When you consider the fact that the first southerners were Virginians, you start to understand the southerner’s affinity for tea.  Being English gentlefolk, drinking tea was not only tasty refreshment, it was a social act.  Teatime is a strict observance in English society—a deference for custom and etiquette.  It’s about what is right and proper; the definition of good taste.  And today it is still so.  What southern hostess would not offer a glass of sweet iced tea to her guests?

Those Virginian settlers brought with them their pride, their magnificent horses, their gracious style of living, and their tea.  Of course, those genteel first Southerners drank their tea hot.  It was a couple centuries later before Dixie-Landers enjoyed it cold; just who “invented” iced tea is not known, but there are a few interesting facts about it. 

 Many ascribe to the theory that it was first served at the 1904 World’s Fair in St. Louis, Missouri.  However, a news article describing an event in September of 1890 said that 15,000 men gathered in Nevada, Missouri for the Missouri State Reunion of Ex-Confederate Veterans enjoyed an enormous banquet, and included in the list of menu items was “880 gallons of iced tea.”

It doesn’t surprise me that sons of the South were enjoying the cool refreshment of iced tea before the rest of the world had discovered it.

However and whenever it came into vogue, sweet iced tea is the liquid gold of the South.  No oil rig in Texas is more highly prized than the pitcher of sweet tea which has a special place in each southern refrigerator. 

Offering a warm welcome to guests is the code of the south. Hospitality is regarded as a serious manner And as a hostess, you’ll find there’s hardly an occasion where sweet iced tea doesn’t serve well.. Fare thee well, exotic libations of refinement and expense.  Forget the sticky stains of Kool-Aid and the watery brine of Gatorade.  Save the milk for breakfast and the water for bedtime.  Make mine sweet tea.  It doesn’t lose its fizz or coat the stomach or “up” the sodium.  Refreshing and delightful, it is the comfort beverage of the South.  Serve on the veranda swing or on the Sunday table, add a slice of lemon and you’re good to go.  At least, I am.  

Mom-Guilt and Gut Sense

I need to confess.

Mother’s Day can make me depressed.

Not because I dislike being a mother; I absolutely cherish it. Not because I have a bad mother; she was and is an outstanding one. Not because my husbands and kids neglect me; they certainly don’t. And not because I am unsentimental; on the contrary, I love cards, flowers and celebrations.Then why should I feel struggle on this day that honors something so important to me?

I suffer from mom-guilt. Not guilt of a legal or sinful nature but the kind that pricks you when you think about what you “ought” to be and do; the “I’m not good enough” syndrome.

The moms reading this know what I’m talking about. It seems symptomatic of the role, written into the code of motherhood. There is no shortage of reasons for which to feel guilty, but what is the root of this guilt anyway?

Why We Believe We’re Bad

It may seem simplistic to some and unnecessarily spiritual to others, but I firmly believe that the largest factor in our struggle is an attack of the Enemy. Satan surely does not want mothers to accomplish what God has called them to, and if he cannot derail them with sinful lifestyles and relational dysfunction, he will use false guilt.

Closely behind that, another factor which rises up to defeat us is our own expectations. It is usually true with me that I am my own worst enemy. There is this internal monitor, ticking off the minutes, measuring my actions and calculating my worth. And often, the ways of my friends and the opinion of the culture serve to validate my doubts.

It follows then, that a temptation to comparison is the next face in the lineup of guilt factors. Women are, I believe, naturally inclined to comparison. Perhaps it is our great capacity for relationship which tilts us in that direction; the opinions of others matter to us. So we look around us to debunk or confirm our suspicions, and discover, to our dismay that “everyone else” is far ahead of us in this mothering game. The blogs and books prove it. And then there is Facebook where every “good” mom shines a little brighter.

And so finding little objective truth in these voices, we gravitate to the experts and the countless resources found in digital media and in print. And this factor only compounds our fears for there are so many experts and so many bits of advice that we are soon drowning in information. And even more guilt.

What We Need

We need truth.  We need advice from an authority with a proven record and who understands the practical aspects of our lives; we need to consult our Heavenly Father. He knows the subject of motherhood thoroughly; after all, He did create both the idea and the women who embody it. His Word always points to true north and His Spirit deals in specifics rather than vague feelings and shadowy guilt.

We need objective, practical voices.

We need limits on the information we ingest.

We need common sense.

We need faith in our instincts, the gut knowledge that mothers have relied on for generations.

We need a plan.

How to Combat the Guilt

Applying truth is a daily, step by step way of life. There is no 30-day fix. It is an ongoing, rest-of-my-life solution. And to make it happen, a mom must continually embrace these facts.

1. God fits our children to us.

No one can mother my children better than me. There is no proof text for this statement, but I believe the basis for it is found in Scripture. In Psalm 139:13-16, David revels in the Almighty’s intimate knowledge of each of us. Certainly, a God who carefully crafts each unborn child also prepares the mother who will nurture him or her.  I believe that God gives to a woman the children He knows she can raise effectively; their temperaments, gifts and uniqueness are hand-picked for her. Yes, I’m aware of DNA and heredity and all of that, but somehow within the perimeters of Providence, I feel every mother has the innate ability to adequately mother her child. Of course, whether she has acknowledged and developed her abilities is affected by her background and personal choices. Motherhood is a sacred responsibility after all.

2. There are no perfect mothers, only more advanced students.  

History tells us of some amazing mothers. I’m reminded of Susanna Wesley, mother of John and Charles and their many siblings. Her grasp of childhood character development and her consistent pattern of mothering have been the basis for much discussion. She is a daunting example to follow. Yet even she, we may be confident, didn’t get everything right. And we don’t say that to rejoice in her failures, but rather to look honestly at the facts. She was truly more advanced, and we may learn from her, but there are no perfect models of motherhood. It is, after all, a state of being entrusted to humanity, and therefore, to imperfect women. But James 1: 5 reminds us of His promise to provide wisdom when we ask.

3. There is a time for everything.

The beautiful words of Ecclesiastes 3 tell us so. Human relationships, motherhood included, are living and growing. New experiences and new acquaintances provide insights which can help us.  Rather than feeling threatened, we should embrace the information offered as the next step in the journey. Often, God will nudge us toward a new concept through others or through a book or article. We should be grateful instead of guilt-ridden.

The problem today is the overwhelming amount of information available to mothers. Consider that, for most of history, mothers were exposed to the truths of the Bible and then to the opinions of their own mothers and the women in their small towns or villages. Yes, there were still other voices in the world, but they were tempered by distance. Today, women have access to the opinions of billions via social media in addition to the plethora of advice available through articles and books on the web and in print. It is all there, available for a single click on Google. Often we forget to filter the information through the grid of common sense; we accept the guilt for all the things we should have been doing all along and have only now discovered.

4. Regrets are inevitable, but we can release them into His grace.

Hardly a person has breathed who hasn’t had occasion to regret something and the more important the task or relationship, the more risk for regret. Motherhood falls into the category of “important.” The stakes are simply too high for us not to care. We will come to contentment sooner if we accept the reality of that and focus on the things that matter now, not the things poorly done in the past. 

As Christian moms, we can release our guilt into other Hands, nail-scarred hands, hands that can redeem our mistakes. His desires for our children supersede ours; His stake in them is higher. He can work around our failures if we submit them to Him.

5. God offers us the gifts of rest and peace and “gut knowledge.”

 God promised His people covenantal rest, Sabbath rest, regional rest, and eternal rest. Jesus spoke of soul rest. It seems God does not want us to be harried and fractured. He wishes us to have the inner peace needed to live our lives for His glory. To help moms out with this, He gave us what I call “mom-gut.” It’s that inner persuasion of what your child needs at a particular moment, which form of discipline to choose, what to say, how to respond. Sometimes, we just know something is right, though we can’t explain why.

Within the perimeters of His Word, God often works through this relational radar in order to guide us as mothers. When we rely on His faithfulness and trust our mothering instincts, we enjoy a greater sense of rest and peace. But when we jettison His provisions and reach instead to Parenting magazine or Dear Abby, we open ourselves to guilt and emotional distress.

Where We Go From Here

For me, this is an ongoing process. I must daily immerse myself in truth to combat the debilitating effects of mom-guilt. If I want not only to succeed as a mother but also to enjoy the journey (what an incredible thought!), I must:

1.                  Keep a firm grip on common sense

2.                  Measure information intake

3.                  Seek out reasonable voices

4.                  Trust my gut (mothering instincts)

5.                  Rely on the Father in heaven

Nobody said mothering was easy, but that’s why there is a calendar entry for Mother’s Day after all! So, perhaps this year I will give myself permission to celebrate my small triumphs over the dragon of guilt and revel in my kids’ expressions of love for the mother I am by God’s grace. After all, when it comes to my mothering, they are the experts.

Holiness for Husbands and Wives

For too long, submission has been seen as a theme of “other” denominations. We of Wesleyan persuasion have had a lot of angst about jumping into the water. Maybe it’s because of our tradition in which women have had a greater part in church activity and administration than those of other groups.  But to my mind, the theme of a wife’s submission and a husband's cherishing love is of consequence no matter what one believes should be a woman’s role in the church. For a woman who is married has only one husband and her relationship to him is unique. Furthermore, the Bible specifically speaks to husbands and wives about the importance of their roles. I do not think it can be ignored.

The problem with submission though is that it isn't cut and dried. That is, the carrying out of it isn't. The biblical guideline seems clear enough to me though some say the interpretation is blurry. I’m all for mutual respect and deference in love, but I do believe the Creator had specific roles in mind when He inspired Paul to write the guidelines in Ephesians 5.

Holiness is God-Centered and Others-Oriented

Marriage is a great catalyst for personal holiness. God wants our surrender to His plan and His way; He wants to counteract the self-centeredness that is a result of our fallen nature. He uses the marriage relationship to work on us, to bring us further along in our understanding of death to self-will. Both men and women are called to deny self and put the other first – husbands by loving and wives by respecting. This, many times, goes against the natural inclination, but after all, natural inclinations are warped by our inherited sinfulness.

The Apostle Paul was inspired to use the analogy of Christ and the church as a template for marriage. The phrases He uses to describe the responsibilities of husbands and wives are in keeping with this symbolism. The husband is likened to Christ who is to protect and cherish the bride. The wife is compared to the church who is devoted to Christ and joyfully follows His loving care.

The Problem of “Fallen-ness”

Now, there aren't many couples who would have trouble with this picture if their spouse would fill his or her end of the bargain. The difficulty comes because we are all fallen and no one gets it right. And sometimes there are major issues resulting from individual temperament or family background that cause ongoing challenges. Nevertheless, to strive to fulfill the role given by God as either husband or wife is to dethrone self and put Christ in first place.

If you have trouble with the idea of submission at the ground level, you might not even be ready to discuss sub-levels of that issue. If you are tempted to think that Paul just means mutual submission, think again of the analogy of Christ and the church. I don’t think we can say that Christ must submit to the church in the same way the church submits to Him. To be intellectually and Scripturally honest, we must admit that there are very different roles for husbands and wives, yet both are equally significant in God’s eyes.

In Galatians 3:28, Paul wrote that, in God’s eyes, there is neither male nor female. I don’t believe he meant we were truly genderless to God but that our gender makes no difference in our innate value or to our salvation by grace. Yet, gender is important on a different level because of the order it brings to our relationships and to the family, and oh, how our God loves order. Remember, He created our world out of the chaos that existed in Genesis1:2. He gives to everything and everyone a place, a carefully crafted and lovingly intended purpose. That is the real purpose of submission – it fits God’s plan.

But, back to the challenges of submitting. Most women who accept the call to biblical submission recognize the beauty of it and many even want to embody it, but our husbands tend to get in the way, if you know what I mean. Bless their little hearts, sometimes they make it so hard for us to submit to them! I guess that’s what Eve could have said if she’d been the first one to speak in the Garden. (Passing the buck always makes me feel better anyway!) But, seriously, the sensitivities and inhibitions and shortcomings in our husbands’ personalities may frequently test our commitment to submission.

You see, no husband is going to treat his wife like Christ treats the church. He can’t. He’s human. He had better try; the Bible has strong warnings for the man who disregards and disdains his wife. But he won’t always make it. And his wife always sees his flaws more clearly when they’re in conflict.

These flaws may cause him to misunderstand her words to him. He may feel disrespected when he shouldn't or sense distrust in her when it’s not there or feel threatened by her opinion when it’s innocently given. It may be more difficult to convey submission to a husband who is dealing with:

§  Low self-esteem

§  Insecurity

§  Pride

§  Job loss

§  Financial setbacks

Anything that threatens his identity as a man or his ability to provide can be a catalyst for misunderstanding in the realm of a wife’s submission. (This might be a very good reason to work things out with your pastor - problems in his ministry can cause your pastor to have struggles in his marriage!)

If the problem is a material one, it may or may not be easy to fix, but if the issue is of a spiritual nature, it is not going to be solved with a talk or two. These are the instances when a wife needs to pray. God is the great changer of hearts. He can do what we only dream of.

And this is a great motivator for moms as well. We need to understand the fact that the attitudes and behavior patterns we allow in our sons will most likely never change unless by divine intervention. We need to pray for them and with them and rely on God’s wisdom to mold them into men who are ready to love a wife without a chip on the shoulder or emotions on the sleeve. We need to do our best to help them triumph over and cope with their inadequacies and insecurities. Their wives will have to put up with the things we let them do and feel and indulge in; let’s give our future daughters-in-law reasons to think of us with blessing, not cursing.

This is also a shout-out to dads. A son needs a responsible, balanced role model. He needs to see an everyday, living, breathing version of a man who loves God and loves his wife unconditionally and unselfishly. He needs to view his dad treating his mom tenderly and preferring her happiness, holding her in high regard. He needs to know that his dad respects womanhood in general and his mother in particular. This is one of the greatest gifts a father can give to his son for it will help ensure the relationships of the next generation.

Of course, getting back to wives, our own hang-ups cause us a lot of grief when it comes to respecting our husbands and submitting as we should. Wives will struggle especially if they are challenged by a(n):

§  Poor self image

§  Unloved childhood

§  Tendency to over-sensitivity

§  Abusive father

Things which threaten a woman’s sense of beauty or worth are especially damaging to her relationship with her husband and her ability to recognize and accept his role. Professional counseling may be needed in some instances.

As mothers then, we have a grave responsibility to “bring up” our daughters to be women who can distinguish between the small and the significant. Women were created by God to experience rich emotions, but we are not to let them “rule” us. We must train our daughters to look for her man’s heart, and to choose to interpret his words and actions based on that and not the feelings of the moment. We must help our daughters to enjoy their femininity and to delight in being beautiful and in bringing beauty to the world around them; I believe both are possible for godly women. And we should model reasonable, godly submission by respecting their fathers (our husbands), admitting when we've goofed and asking for forgiveness –in their hearing, if applicable. They don’t need parents on a pinnacle; they need moms and dads who are authentic, committed and always open to the Spirit’s voice.

Of course, sometimes men complain that their wives are too sensitive when really it’s just feminine nature that they don’t understand. Husbands sometimes want wives to be tougher, to be more like them maybe so that rough teasing won’t offend them. But it can’t be both ways; either a woman is feminine and sensitive or she is more like a golfing buddy. I think most men would choose the former.

All of these sub-points don’t change the fact of submission, but they do tend to complicate our ability to understand and implement it. After all, roles in marriage are not something we understand intuitively

What is the answer?

Grace in the Home

Sensitivity to the leadership of the Holy Spirit is the only safeguard for both spouses. God cares about the feelings and role of both husband and wife and He can give specific direction for specific situations. He knows the idiosyncrasies of your mate and the quirks in your own personality. Ask Him for specific help and do what He tells you.

Second, a willingness to forbear and forgive is essential. Your spouse won’t always get it right; neither will you. You must forgive and gladly offer second chances and beyond. If your spouse is slower to forgive than you, that is sad, but no excuse for you to do the same. Forgive because Christ did; forbear because He does with you.

Last, remember that relationship is a journey. Yes, I know that analogy has been overused, but in this case, it really is applicable. Too many of us have struggled spiritually because we haven’t grasped this concept in relation to our walk with God and it’s not surprising that our marriages suffer when we forget that this isn’t a one-time event. There will be a tomorrow, if God wills. You may have bombed today, but the rest of your life looms ahead. Pity the husband or wife who bases their marital status only on today; a marriage is the sum total of all our yesterdays and the hopes of all our tomorrows. As long as there is love and commitment, yesterday can be redeemed and tomorrow can be beautiful. That’s what grace is all about, and if ever there was a stage on which grace can be displayed, it is the home.

Every one of us is touched at some level by the concept of submission. We cannot change the truth of God’s Word or dodge the consequences of ignoring it in our relationships. But we can embrace God’s plan and lovingly help each other fill the roles He’s given us. Come to think of it, that must be where the mutual submission part comes in after all. 

Heroes and Treasures

Heroes and Treasures

It’s taken for granted, at least according to the common line of humor, that married couples are bored with each other. And some even go so far as to suggest that it is natural for them to be at odds with one another. It’s supposed to be funny that husbands and wives don’t hold hands anymore or have eye contact during dinner together or appear interested in each other when in public. And I guess there is nothing wrong with a little good-natured humor. Life does have a way of showing the other side of the silver lining, so to speak.

It is true that as marriage brings financial challenges and early mornings and babies and broken appliances the rosy-colored glasses come off. And more than romance is needed to navigate life’s difficulties. To put it as one kitchen magnet proclaims, “Kissin’ don’t last; cooking do!”

 But, on the other hand, the commitment to love and to cherish should be an attitude that rises above the petty trials of everyday home life. Oh, some of them are not so petty, I understand, but even in those, especially in those, that bedrock of abiding love and respect makes all the difference.  

Mistaken Ideas

Have you noticed the pride with which young people introduce a boyfriend or girlfriend? They are eager to mark their claim and anxious for all to know that this person is one to whom they have special rights. But somehow it seems so much more romantic to say “This is my girlfriend or my fiancée” than to say “This is my husband or this is my wife.”  Right?

Wrong.

We’ve picked up a mistaken way of thinking about the terms husband and wife. To many this is like saying “Here is my ball and chain!” or “This is the old lady” or “Here is the man I’m stuck with.” If any of those sentiments are true, there are some deep issues in the relationship. But, sometimes we’re just guilty of ignorance about the original meaning of the words husband and wife. And that is to our detriment.

A Husband – a Hero

Inherent in the meaning of the original word translated today as” husband” is the idea of caring for, protecting. The Old English term husbandman referred to a nurturer, a caretaker; it was used many times in connection with gardening. It is the responsibility of the one who husbands to see that what is in his care is protected and provided for and brought to a state of beauty. So, when a woman refers to a man as her husband, she is declaring that he is the one who lovingly cares for her. He is her champion and guard as well as her lover. She is saying “This is my hero.”

Isaiah 54:5 shows the wonder of the word husband. God, speaking to the nation of Israel, calls Himself a husband. “For your Maker is your husband, The LORD of hosts is His name.” (NKJV)

He was the One who always had her back, the one she could depend on. And God desires that earthly men mirror His love in the way they husband their wives.

A Wife – a Treasure

In the New Testament analogy of marriage representing Christ and the Church, the woman is seen as the object of great devotion. Christ died for His Church; a husband is to show his wife that kind of sacrificial love. He is to cherish her, just as Christ nourishes and cherishes the church. (Ephesians 5:29)

According to Proverbs 18: 22 “He who finds a wife finds a good thing [“treasure”- NLT], and obtains favor from the LORD.”  (NKJV)

 In the beginning, the Creator said it wasn’t good for the man to be alone; He gave Adam a wonderful gift – a wife. When a man presents a woman to others as his wife, he is saying “This is my treasure; she is very special.” She is what he values most under God; she is his delight.

The Pattern is Beautiful

The pattern God has laid out in His Word shows that He is thrilled with the idea of husbands as heroes and wives as treasures. It doesn’t really matter what coworkers say or what the television programs show when it comes to married couples and their attitudes toward one another. The Bible’s idea of love and commitment and serving each other has been proven in multitudes of marriages through the generations.

What a difference it would make in our 21^st century culture and in our homes if Christian couples everywhere adopted this attitude! And you can begin the next time you introduce your spouse. Remember what you’re really saying. “Here is my hero!”  “This is my treasure!”  It could be life-changing!

   - VQ