What If It Is my Son?

I’m wondering:

Do Christian movie makers have sons?

If they do, do they want them to watch their movies with pure thoughts? Do they care if the women characters sometimes display as much sex appeal as they do God-appeal?

My daughters and I recently watched a Christian-themed production that I’m not sure I want my son to see. Yes, he is an adolescent and just learning how to fight this battle that all good men must, but should I let him sit with me and knowingly put something before him that will steer his thoughts in a direction I am trying to help him overcome?

I don’t like to be critical. I like to be positive. As a writer, I want to applaud the artistic efforts being put forth to make these Christian-themed movies. And as a Christian, I want to support the lifting up of righteous viewpoints in the Hollywood realm. I don’t want to be an angry conservative. I don’t think Jesus was. I don’t want to be known as the woman who is always “riding a hobby horse” about dress, as they used to say.  But I can’t “not” say something about this. This is about the men in my life and I care about that.

And somewhere a woman needs to raise her voice and say to this new Christian movie industry “This isn’t okay; you need to clean this up just a bit more. You can’t mix sex appeal with Christ appeal.”

Maybe they don’t think it is sex appeal. Maybe it’s unintentional; maybe it hasn’t even entered their minds. Maybe to them it’s just the way women dress today. But, if they’re men, and many movie directors are, then they can’t be totally unaware.

Maybe it is the wardrobe personnel, which tends to be women, who push the line with the clothing used on the set. After all, let’s be honest. It is somewhat difficult to find trendy, attractive clothing that is also not sensually appealing.  Maybe these women think nothing of this since most of us tend not to be fully aware of the power of our bodies and of how little it takes to push a man’s impulses to the temptation zone.

Perhaps it is simply that these directors, men or women, are so accustomed to working in a field where total onscreen nudity is accepted and rampant sensuality is flaunted that “tame” immodesty doesn’t even register on their alarm status.

But tell me, does the degree of sex appeal matter if the outcome is the same? If a man is enticed to lust by a short skirt, does it matter that she isn’t bare to the waist?  Does the large transgression mean that the smaller one isn’t significant?

Perhaps it is my environment that makes me more conscious of this matter. Are men from “conservative” environments more aware of low necklines, high hemlines and tight contours than men in environments where this is the norm? In other words, can one become immune to a certain kind of stimulus? Or are men everywhere, of every ethnicity and background, every social and intellectual status, affected the same way by the power of female beauty and the degree to which it is uncovered before them? Men readers, I really would like to hear your voices here.

If they are, then we need to quit playing games.

Ultimately, this is the destiny of souls we are talking about.

Yes, it’s that serious.

There probably isn’t a man breathing who hasn’t given in to the temptation to lust at some time.  And yes, God knows the onslaught of hormonal and visual tides men must brave every day. And yes, He forgives and offers grace. And no, women are not responsible for a man’s unbridled appetites.

But. . . .

What if it is my son who is learning to overcome manly temptations and you are the one who wore the short skirt?

What if it is my husband who has to spend several minutes focusing on Scripture and taking his thoughts captive and you are the one whose camisole wasn’t high enough to conceal cleavage that should be your husband’s personal privilege?

Is it okay for you to throw your body in the way of my men’s spiritual progress?

Is it all right for you to make them figuratively cover their eyes and still try to relate to you as a sister in Christ?

Is it all right for you to be an enticer?

If my husband is on a diet, is it okay for me to bake his favorite dessert and put it on a plate in front of him? No. So is it okay for you to display your body and thus invite him to sin? I think not.

True, the action will be his choice, but do you care so little about me and my marriage that you are determined to exercise your “right” to wear whatever you want and let everybody else deal with it?  If a man discards his diet and eats cake, it is not necessarily sin; but if he discards his integrity and surveys you, it most certainly is sin.

If sexual lust is a universal temptation, then every Christian, regardless of gender or spiritual maturity, denomination or theological classification, wants to triumph over it through Christ. Therefore, considerations of dress are not an issue of “conservative” or “liberal” but totally within the realm of what enables all of us to advance in Christlikeness. Oh, how I wish that we could return to the rightness of the premise of this discussion and not be distracted by the ecclesiastical politics which always surround it.

Will the whole world read these words and suddenly agree to help us all on to greater godliness? No, but I hope those of us who call ourselves by His name will care deeply about glorifying Gods in our bodies which belong to Him. Ultimately, this matter of avoiding sensuality in dress is for Christians to discuss and model before a pagan world. They must come to Christ first and foremost; He will deal with the surrounding issues. But often the problem is that after sinners in our culture come to Christ, they are not prompted to think differently in this area because many of us look the same as they do, many Christian women give less thought than they should to the sex appeal they are (maybe innocently) displaying.  So these baby Christians read God’s Word and see it through the template of the older Christians they know and therefore think little should be changed.

This should not be.

My husband says “If my faith is not changing me, it is not saving me.” New life in Christ always promotes change in me. As I am conformed to His image, I am doing all I can to let Him be seen in me. And that is difficult to accomplish if my body is prominently displayed in appealing ways.

I don’t have the answers. But He does. If we put aside our peevishness and seek His counsel, He will show us. If we have honest discussions with the men in our lives, they will tell us those things that they are acutely aware of in our dress that we think nothing of.  If we sincerely set our hearts to know and follow Christ and support our brothers and sisters in His family, then we can help each other on to that great city where we will see Him and enjoy Him forever. That is the goal of all this, right? 

Considering Thyself. . . .

Touching this topic with any length pole is crazy, but that's what we writers do - launch out into shark-infested waters. I know what I say will be controversial to everyone and probably offensive to some. So, like a coward, I will post this disclaimer: read at your own risk. But maybe I can offer a word of hope, a reminder that not every foundation is shaken. 

First, please note that the only one who "wins" in the trauma caused by sin is Satan. He is the gleeful one who delights in the terror, the horror, the agony, the scandal, degradation, the evil, the dishonor, the despair. Surveying the broken remains of lives and the shattered shards of human emotions, he is delighted to have wrought pain on the ones created in God's image. His sadistic nature gorges on the cycle of temptation - sin - consequences - calamity. He is the Enemy, the one who hopes to gain from the grief of so many. 

Now, I am not qualified to speak on the subject of abuse, either from experience or from education. But I am a woman, and I have daughters. I can't imagine the dark pain that would explode into me had I experienced this or if I discovered my daughters had. The anger, the violation would be too deep to handle on my own, and I am sure the residual emotions would seep into every corner of my psyche and probably always be there to some degree. That's what that kind of trauma does. It damages, permanently.

And, I am not qualified to speak on the topic of child-rearing; my own are not yet raised. But I have teens who have been raised in a Christian environment, and yet, who make their own choices and who sometimes do the wrong thing. I can't imagine the crushing pain of a revelation of wrongdoing by my child on this kind of scale. The horror, the panic, the rage, the hurt would be too much for me to handle on my own, and I am sure that the resulting distrust and uncertainty would hang around in our relationship for a long time. That's what sin does. It has consequences. 

So, the only thing I am qualified to speak on is . . . grace. Because I've experienced it. Because I've built my life on it and dedicated myself to the ministry of it. Because I've trusted my eternal destiny to it's power. Because I have faith that Jesus' words are true.

Grace is from God, and it is for all - the violated and the violator. It doesn't diminish the wrong, but it doesn't forsake the repentant. It doesn't remove the consequences, but it doesn't close the door on hope. It is justice; it is forgiveness. It is healing; it is restoration. This is what we believe the Bible teaches - there is no situation too messy, no violation too horrible and no wound too painful for Him. 

 Does this mean it's easy, with no consequences? No, but it does mean that we, as people of God, know that there is always hope, always a way back to wholeness, both for those who sin and for those who are sinned against. Our God doesn't deal in disposables or recyclables; He is in the business of redemption.

And grace teaches me that I am to be about restoration - reaching out to everyone involved, the damaged and the dysfunctional, the victim and the perpetrator. And I reach out considering myself,  says Galatians 6:1. 

Considering myself as a human being, subject to temptation and with shame in my past.
Considering myself as a person who can be exploited by others and suffer deep pain.
Considering myself as a parent, with all the emotions and struggles entailed.
Considering myself as a member of the Body of Christ who is called to "weep with those who weep." (Romans 12:15)
Considering myself as a Christian who has been given grace and who must extend that grace to others.

Extending grace is not hiding or denying or glossing over or ignoring. Christians are grace-receivers; we know that redemption cost a dear price - God's very own Son. We would never agree that grace is cheap. We know that sin exacts a terrible penalty, and there is always suffering involved. But the good news of the Gospel tells us that God's grace is sufficient for even the darkest sin, the deepest pain. If we don't believe that, then grace is not true and our religion is vain, a fatal deception, an unreliable prop with which to face eternity.

It was Betsie ten Boom who, after suffering the horrors of a Nazi camp, said to her sister Corrie, "There is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still."

We know that sin has infected every part of our human expression, and that it lies in wait for each of us. So, when sin is discovered among us, we do not give up hope, we do not ignore the pain of the victims (as did the religious leaders in the parable of the Good Samaritan), we do not throw up our hands and declare the situation too awful to be fixed.  We do not condemn others who have tried to right their wrongs, we do not pretend to know what the hurting have experienced, we do not assume that we have the answer. We extend grace. And grace guides us to discernment and compassion and mercy, it leads us to restitution and due process and rehabilitation. Grace is the antidote for sin and its consequences. This is not a "pat" answer.  This is what we as Christians have consecrated our lives to. And it is in the hard times when we prove whether our testimonies have any validity, whether our beliefs can work in real life situations. Do we believe in "amazing grace" that really changes and saves  "a wretch like me?" Do we believe that that grace can lead us "through many dangers, toils and snares" and take us "safely home?" And do we believe that that grace can work in the lives of our brothers and sisters in Christ and deliver them and heal them? This is our hour to prove that Christianity is not a farce, that it works both for those who abuse and for those who have been abused. This is the moment when we react with a different agenda than the culture. This is the time when we remember that God's grace is the only way any of us can deal with our tragedies, and with our shame.

Galatians 6:2 commands us to bear other's burdens. This is also the mission of grace, and it probably goes beyond saying "I'm sorry" and moving on. It may require sacrifice and a willingness to embrace the pain of others. It may demand a loss of innocence and an acceptance of difficult truths or inconvenient realizations. It might require commitment to shouldering the grief of another and helping to carry their terrible load. But this is what Jesus calls us to; it is what He did for us. 

 We need to be the burden-bearers and the grace-extenders. To those carrying painful memories, may we enter into their suffering as much as we can, listening, caring, praying and walking with them toward healing. To those bearing terrible guilt, may we offer the mercy that we would wish to receive if it were us or one of our children.  And may we always remember that we have been and continue to be grace-receivers. Let grace, God's grace, be our first word and our last word, our rallying cry and our hymn of comfort, our hope and our sure foundation. For while other words may falter and other efforts fail, grace, the redemptive gift of God, will never lose it's power. 

NEW. . . .

Does femininity still matter?  

Is it important to dress and conduct ourselves in ways that 

are unequivocally feminine?

Is womanhood inferiority or diversity?

Is femaleness to be celebrated in our everyday lives as a glorious and distinct expression of the Creator's image in humanity?

Biblical principles, historical perspective and cultural examples

gives answers in this new book releasing, Tuesday, April 22,

at the Dayton Convention 

from author Valorie Quesenberry

 and Country Pines Printing.

Find out why it's more than a good idea!

To Wear or Not to Wear . . . . the Yoga Pants Discussion

I'm going to chime in on the "yoga pants/Christian cleavage" debate here.

No, it is not the most urgent issue facing the Christian church, but yes, it is part of the larger discussion of Christian living because everything we do in the body matters. The only way we have to live out our faith is in the body; souls are unseen; they depend on the body to express what is inside. 

The Internet has been electrified. Blog watchers are astounded, shocked, indignant. In the international realm of the blogosphere, where anyone can have almost any opinion and can write of virtually any personal experience they've had or conclusion they've drawn, one woman has had the audacity to post the unbelievable. 

On January 6, 2015, this Christian woman, Veronica Partridge, blogged of her decision no longer to wear leggings (yoga pants) in public. The Internet has come alive with responses, both written and videoed, many of them disparaging. Her decision has been called "ridiculous" and "absurd." Some have even gone so far as to question her husband's marital faithfulness and insinuate that he "put her up to this" because of some deep issue of his own. And some think that she is doing this to make herself feel "more faithful." 

Frankly, in regard to many of the responses, it is more than a little awkward to see men and women discussing this topic in their klieg-lit studios, the men attempting to appear "above it all" and the women with lazily-crossed bare legs and short-skirted outfits. They seem to totally miss the point - the female body has power. That's pretty much the basis for the discussion in the first place.

The other point that seems very obvious to me is that no one has denied that yoga pants do indeed invite men to entertain lustful thoughts. I think the word "cause" might be too strong; after all, no one can make another person sin. But we can certainly make it easier for someone to stumble by what we do. 

Just listening to the young male journalists discuss this issue with silly grins on their faces is very telling. One young dude said that he liked yoga pants [for women] and that they "livened up his day." What is that supposed to mean? Have an idea? Another brave guy even admitted that yoga pants were "hot." Uh-huh. I think we understand that language.

A Christian man who wrote a very transparent response to this issue admitted that when the girls "sporting yoga pants or leggings . . . saunter through the door" of his local coffee shop, he will "catch myself peeking."

Guess it's pretty universal then. The appeal is there. No one has proven otherwise.

Here then are a few of the common reactions the public (and journalistic world) has had to Veronica's post and the VQ view of each of them.

• "Saying that women should guard what they wear is disseminating the idea that a woman's body is dirty or shameful."

VQ view - The idea that a woman should guard what she wears speaks to her power and value. A diamond is cared for differently than a river rock. The sexual force of a woman (expressed in the design of her body) is not evil, but it is very powerful. That power should be protected and used appropriately. What is actually dirty and shameful are the thoughts and leers of uncontrolled men; being viewed as "hot" isn't really a compliment, but today's woman thinks it is.  

• "Men are not so simple-minded that they have to lust after a woman's body in tight or revealing clothing. They need to take cold showers and cool it."  

VQ view - If that is so, then why is there even such a thing as pornography? Why do 68% of young adult men view porn at least once a week?  And why are men 543% more likely to view porn than women? (see porn stats) Is it only "simple-minded" men who are attracted and even addicted to pictures of female nudity? Could it be that God put a radar in the male psyche that responds to the female body and that our culture is exploiting that in wrongful ways?

• "Men will look, regardless. Wear a garbage bag, and they will still lust."

VQ view - This statement, though it has been made in reference to the yoga pants debate, seems in direct opposition to the above point of view. But, taken at its own value, it implies that clothing is a superfluous entity, that it makes no difference what a woman wears anyway. I again point to the pornography empire which has made billions by using unclothed women. It does make a difference. Remember the pin-up gals of the World War 2 era? How come the popular ones weren't pics of girls in long skirts and full blouses? Yeah, I know the imagination can still be depraved whatever a woman is wearing. But come on. You can't expect reasonable people to believe that clothing makes no difference in this issue of lust. The whole of modern and past culture tells us differently. Only an ignorant person would claim otherwise.

• "A woman should have the freedom to dress any way she chooses. She is not responsible for the way a man thinks."

VQ view - Western culture rebels against restriction and does not want to be told what or what not to do (or wear, in this case). One female host said that after an issue with a former boyfriend, she would never let anyone tell her what to wear again, not even a boss.  Okay; that's insightful. I'm sure she's a delight to get along with.

The prevailing attitude is "I can do what I want, and no one better challenge me." And the funny thing is that Veronica Partridge began her blog post with a disclaimer, saying that she was sharing a personal decision and was not telling others what they should do.  Some responses referred to this and admitted she had the right to her own view and decision. But many still felt that they needed to defend their own "right" to wear whatever, whenever. Makes you wonder if they didn't sense the truth of what she was saying . . . 

Women responding to her post have been enraged that someone should dare to suggest they should not wear something they like. And the men have said "hey, keep wearing the yoga pants if you want." Presumably, non-Christian men because they like the "perks," and Christian men because they feel it is their responsibility to take control of their thoughts and that their Christians sisters shouldn't feel burdened with their problem.  That's admirable, and even true on one level. But the deeper issue is that we are our "brother's keeper." Not to the degree that we must take total responsibility for his soul, but that we are to, as Romans 14:15 says "live in love" towards others. The writer was speaking of eating meat sacrificed to idols and how it could cause a "brother" to stumble in his faith. If what one eats could be serious enough to be considered, I think an article of clothing could as well. The goal should be to help one another on toward godliness, not put obstacles in the way for him or her to climb over.

"So let us concentrate on the things which make for harmony, and on the growth of one another’s character. Surely we shouldn't wish to undo God’s work for the sake of a plate of meat!" - Romans 14:20, Phillips 

Yet, on the other side, to conclude that men cannot help themselves is to sell short the grace of God and the strength He has placed in them. Men are exhorted in 1 Timothy 5:2 to act toward the older women as "mothers" and the younger women as "sisters." If men were to put this into place, it would certainly add a great deal of restraint, both in regards to pornography and  to thoughts about women in real life situations. 

This brings us to a similar blog post, this time by a pastor, Jarrid Wilson, with the title "The Problem with Christian Cleavage" and then revised to "The Importance of Modesty and Self-Control." Unfortunately, the original post has been taken down, but I have read his revised version. He has been criticized by some for an extreme view, but I thought his article was well written and his point well taken. 

It seems that he was primarily addressing those in the Christian community and calling on young women to guard their clothing and on young men to guard their minds.  Where is the problem with that? For generations, the church has addressed issues which are pertinent to the day and which are causing many to stumble. It has never been popular, but it has been the right thing. Pastors are the "watchmen" over the souls of their congregations and the world. Like the prophets of old, it is their solemn duty to identify the dangers and warn us. 

I applaud Pastor Wilson for taking his duty, his ministry and his family (he is a husband and soon-to-be father) seriously and putting out the word that we need to be careful. He's right. Christian women aren't always as careful as we should be. That's no more critical than saying that Christian men still struggle with the temptation to lust. The fact is, both men and women need reminders in this area of sexuality because it is so powerful and so intrinsically part of our beings. 

I am a woman who was raised as a child in a tradition of simplicity and modesty of dress. As an adult, I chose to embrace that style as my own. I have always lived with a close eye on my outward appearance and a heightened awareness of modesty; it is my comfort zone. I make no excuses, and I gladly stand where I am, but I realize others may not have that background. Yet, as the mother of a teenage son and the wife of a man who is also a pastor, I see from another angle that there is validation for taking care in the way we dress. I have to admit a sense of frustration with Christian women whose short skirts or cleavage-baring tops have me telling my son "Try to focus on her face." I do feel a degree of incredulity at women who claim Christ as Lord and yet make clothing choices that hug the curves and cling to the form and show way too much skin. I really don't get that. It seems to be living in oblivion to reality.

And yet, as a woman who has lived her entire life in the church world, I also admit frustration with the overdone attempts to "protect our men." I have heard statements made (with good intention) that were too hard on women, that did seem to make the female body a thing of shame, something to be hidden from babyhood. I have heard talks which seem to emasculate men, making them out to be powerless against sexual lust unless women helped them out. 

Perhaps the biggest pet peeve of mine, as a musician, was the "piano curtain" modesty shield. While I totally understand the whole "pianist on an elevated platform, legs in view, etc." to me it seemed that it was distrustful of women, that it doubted we could dress or sit decorously. I'm sure that was not the reason, and, perhaps, for me, that was my own bit of rebellion, my own statement of " it's your problem, not mine" my own version of pretending that a woman's body has no affect. In the end, I need to take my own advice; if a piano curtain helps others to godliness, then it is all right. Since I don't fully understand the temptations of men, I cannot expect to understand what they find helpful. A point of clarification though. . . some religions (Islam, for instance) would take this to the extreme, claiming that a woman's very body is inherently sinful and a tool to make men sin. There is a need for balance and good biblical sense and the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

So, to some degree, I know a little of both sides of this fence, and at this point in my journey, here are some other things I think I know:

1. A woman's body has power.

2. After the Fall in the Garden, sexuality was skewed and clothing was designed by God to cover nakedness. ( As I read it, that's pretty much the way it is).

3. Clothing design today trends toward revealing the feminine form by tight-fit or by exposure, not covering it.

4. Men have an internal radar that cannot ignore the female body. They are powerfully affected by sight. Exposed skin, clinging clothing invites their eyes.

5. We are responsible to help others on toward godliness, not hinder them.

6. Men are commanded to control their passions and thoughts by God's grace.

7. Women are instructed to dress in "respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control." (1 Tim. 2:9, ESV)

8. Yoga pants/leggings have sex appeal; they draw men's eyes. I haven't heard anyone deny it. 

9. Veronica's decision not to wear leggings or yoga pants in public was made out of a desire to honor God and her husband and other men. She was courageous and she was right. 

10. Ultimately, in the way we dress, think, act and "whatever we do, " we are to do it all "to the glory of God." (1 Cor. 10:31, ESV) That's the filter that brings it all into focus.

-- VQ

What Satan Doesn't Want You to Know About Lust

You don't need to be told that everyday we are "invited" to indulge in sexual lust. And, it isn't even considered something to "tsk, tsk" about anymore; no, it's winked at and giggled about. But do we really understand what lust is? Me-love. Yeah, it's just a sickening fattening of the ego, a gorging of the inner desires that, in the end, brings brokenness instead of happiness. That's why we need Christ: His power is the only antidote to the poison of self. 

She reclines on a sandy beach, wearing a sultry smile and little else.  Her heart beats a little faster as she looks at the camera; men will find her attractive and gaze at her image with longing.  The promise of admiration feeds her desire for power . . . .

He is drawn to her picture; her beauty makes his pulse race and his senses go on high alert. He consumes her with his eyes, momentarily sating his appetite for pleasure  . . . .

Men like to look and women liked to be looked at - it’s the way humans are wired. And God made it that way. He called it good.

But something called sin entered the picture; and with one act of rebellion, everything was skewed. Human relations tilted and twisted, and self-centeredness became the core from which man and woman operate.

Self-Centered Sexuality

Genesis 3 records the sad account of the disobedience of Adam and Eve. This was a turning point for mankind, and the dynamics of human relationship have not been right since. Men and women find it difficult to understand one another. The distinctive traits of each have become irritants to the other. And the beautiful sexual force between them has been skewed.

 Since the “fall” of mankind, Satan has experienced tremendous success by using our sexuality against us. Knowing the power of womanly beauty and the magnetism of manly appeal, he works through our self-centeredness and tempts us to satisfy our own cravings at the expense of others. Men and women both are susceptible to sexual lust because it nourishes the inner beast- men, of pleasure and women, of pride, and both of power.

Because Adam listened to his wife’s voice above God’s law and followed her into sin, man is extremely susceptible to feminine charms and can very easily succumb to a woman who seduces him. Since Eve persuaded her husband to sin with her and used her influence to lead him astray, woman is drawn to gain power over men and can easily disrespect them by treating them as eager little boys.

Scripture tells us that we must not be ignorant of Satan’s ways of working. We need to be alert and watchful because the enemy prowls our minds like a beast of prey, seeking for someone to devour.  (I Peter 5:8) We can defeat him only if we know God’s truth and use the power of the Spirit.

Power and Pleasure: a Toxic Mix

In this dynamic between the sexes, it is helpful to understand the basis for male and female behavior.

Let’s begin with why men look.

On the surface that seems simplistic. Of course we know why. Men are visual, sexually aroused by sight. But there is a deeper why.

In the great waltz of the sexes which reaches its grand finale in the marriage relationship, the beauty of the woman plays a significant role; it draws the man to her. The Creator meant that the man would long to cherish, enjoy and protect this beauty forever and commit himself to her. In marriage, the woman’s beauty and the man’s beholding is a sacred thing.

But when a woman’s beauty is used as a lure for the men she meets it becomes an entirely different matter. And when a man looks at a woman in lust there is nothing sacred about it.

A woman who chooses to dress provocatively in public and invite the gaze of every man who sees her may think it wins her admiration. And it does gain attention, but not for her sake. When a man is looking in lust, he does not necessarily include her, as a person, in the mix.

 In other words, when lust is the motivation, a man wants the beauty for his sake, not for her sake. He desires her beauty because it brings him pleasure. She could as well be a poster as a live woman. The feelings he is indulging are self-centered, not her-centered. He might have no feelings of affection for her as a person, only for her anatomy as a woman. It is as if he is a hungry man and she is a plate of food; he desires to consume her so he might feel satisfied. He cares not what the food feels.

In Mathew 5:28, Jesus called out men who indulge their predilection to visual adultery. And in 2 Timothy 3:6, the Apostle Paul warned against men who invade the hearts of vulnerable women for their own fulfillment, be it financial, spiritual or sexual. Men, without the grace of God at work in their hearts, have the tendency to become voyeur-predators, taking visual advantage of women to satisfy their own desires.

This is why God’s idea of married love makes so much sense. When a man chooses to love a woman and protect and cherish her in a marriage commitment, he is truly loving her as a person and as a woman. He isn’t using her beauty for a sexual fix; he is loving her as a total person and sexual pleasure is a wonderful part of that relationship. In a Christ-centered marriage, the eyes of love are not self-seeking. There is true delight in the one whom God has given; there is affection and commitment.

Power and Pride: a Dangerous Brew

Women don’t escape the selfishness of lust; they are just often on the other side of it. A woman may enjoy making a man look, not because she really cares about him, but because of the thrill she gets from her power. She may like the fact that a man enjoys looking at her, but it may be because it makes her heart pound and her cheeks feel flushed. It feeds her pride. She feels wanted and desirable; his feelings may matter only as they serve to gratify her. She may not be interested in belonging solely to him in a marriage relationship because there are others whose eyes she’d like to tempt and whose admiration she’d like to win.

Over and over, in the book of Proverbs, King Solomon warned his son about the dangers of the seductive woman. In Proverbs 23:28, he describes her in a visual image that resembles a lioness on the hunt, lying in wait for prey. A man can find himself the target of a woman’s quest for dominance through sexual means, and, if he gives in, he will discover that he is reduced to a mere “crust of bread” because of his lack of control. (Proverbs 6:26)  Adam Clarke’s Commentary on this verse remarks that, in biblical times, a prostitute could be hired for as little as a loaf of bread. Thus, God’s Word is saying that a man can sell his own dignity and integrity for the price of a call girl.

Sacred Sexuality

C. S. Lewis’ character Screwtape, writing from the perspective of a “senior tempter” mentoring his nephew Wormwood, says “Never forget that when we are dealing with any pleasure in its healthy and normal and satisfying form, we are, in a sense, on the Enemy’s [God’s] ground…He [God] made the pleasures: all our research so far has not enabled us to produce one. All we can do is to encourage the humans to take the pleasures which our Enemy [God] has produced, at times, or in ways, or in degrees, which He [God] has forbidden. ” ¹

When men and women focus on sexuality as “personal fulfillment,” temptation is lurking nearby. Sexual intimacy wasn’t given to us as a platform for pleasure or power at another’s expense.  God’s good gift of sex was meant to be enjoyed by a married man and woman for mutual delight and emotional nourishment and, in a deeply mystical way, as a reflection of the unity between Christ and His church. To lightly hold this sacred bond and use it for selfish purposes is a desecration.  

1 Corinthians 13, called by many “The Love Chapter,” showcases the attributes of love grounded in selflessness. It is a good idea to read this chapter often and remember its admonitions when facing sexual temptation.

1.      Love is cherishing another person, not expressing selfish appetite.

2.      Love is long-term commitment, not short-term gratification.

3.      Love is sexual attraction plus . . . ; lust is sexual pleasure only.

4.      Love is God-honoring intimacy; lust is primal indulgence unrestrained.

Sexual lust, in essence, is self-centered desire. But Satan doesn’t want you to know that. He hopes that you will not see the ugliness behind following self. He doesn’t want you to know about the havoc in countless homes or the tears and shame and brokenness. He wants to dazzle you with the idea of full indulgence to self’s wishes; he calls it good, but he has always been a liar. In reality, he runs the slaughter-house of souls.

Christ calls us to die to self, and have our minds renewed by His Spirit. He asks us to surrender our whole selves, including our sexuality, to His Lordship, because surrender is the pathway to fullness of joy. He will always provide an escape from sexual temptation and will bless those who commit their passions to His keeping and plan. 

Notes

C. S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters (New York: HarperCollins, 1942), 44.